What is this?
You've got someone with a milestone coming up. A 40th. A retirement. A wedding. A bachelorette. You want a toast that actually lands — the kind of thing where the room laughs in the right places, the recipient pretends to be offended, and somebody records it on their phone.
But you're not a comedian. And you don't have time to write 600 words of well-paced material between now and Saturday.
That's what this is.
How it works
You tell us about your person.
A few specifics — what they do, what they're weirdly into, what they brag about more than necessary, what they complain about for no reason, the catchphrase you've heard four thousand times. The more specific you are, the harder it hits.
You pick the heat level.
Friendly Fire (grandma-safe), Real Roast (best-man-speech), or Scorched Earth (still affectionate, still off the table for protected categories — just sharper).
We send you a draft within 48 hours.
A PDF you can read aloud at the event, hand over folded into a card, or print on cardstock and frame. You review it before anyone else sees it. Anything off? Tell us. We'll fix it.
The trick is in the inputs.
Most "AI roast generators" let you type "roast my friend Brad" and spit out something generic. The output reads like a Reddit comment.
We don't do that.
We make you tell us what's good about them.
Because the best roasts aren't mean. They're affectionate. They take the things everyone loves about someone and twist them, just enough, into something that makes the room laugh.
"He's the hardest worker I know" becomes a joke about him answering Slack on his phone during his daughter's piano recital.
"She's the most generous person you'll meet" becomes a joke about her tipping the bartender so much last summer that he tried to set her up with his nephew.
The compliments are the ammunition. We just point them in the right direction.
What it's for
- Milestone birthdays — 30, 40, 50, 60, the ones that demand a real toast
- Regular birthdays — when "happy birthday" in the group chat feels lazy
- Retirements — 30 years deserves more than a sheet cake
- Bachelor or bachelorette parties — the pre-game speech that sets the tone for the night
- Wedding speeches — best-man, maid-of-honor, father-of-the-bride
- Going-away parties — a goodbye people remember a year later
- Anniversaries — "You've put up with him for 25 years and still haven't divorced him. The room would like an explanation."
What we don't do
No jokes about race, religion, weight, mental health, addiction, serious illness, family tragedy, or anything in that neighborhood. Ever. There's plenty of comedic material in someone's Peloton obsession.
No mean-for-mean's-sake. Every line is written to be funny and affectionate. The goal is "they laugh, then they tell their friends." Not "they laugh, then they call their lawyer."
No surprises for you. You see the draft first. If anything's off — too sharp, too soft, accidentally hits a sore spot — tell us and we'll rewrite it before the event.
Common questions
Only if you tell them. The PDF reads like something a witty friend wrote on the back of a cocktail napkin.
Then we screwed up the brief. Send us notes — we'll rewrite anything you flag. The goal is laughs, and we'll keep at it until we get them.
No. This is for occasions where the subject is in on the fun — birthdays, retirements, weddings, that kind of thing. If we sense the relationship is hostile rather than affectionate, we'll politely decline. The good news: there's almost always somebody else in your life with an occasion coming up.
Yes. Self-roast is welcome. Some of the funniest results in our testing came from people roasting themselves at their own birthdays.
Please do. Tag us if you can — we're trying to figure out if there's a real business here, and seeing where these end up is some of the best feedback we can get.
One catch — we're in pilot mode.
This is a real service we're testing with our first ten customers. In exchange for free, we ask one thing: about ten minutes of honest feedback after the event. Did it land? Would you have paid for it? What would you have changed?
No money changes hands. No subscription, no upsell at the end, no card on file. Just a roast, in exchange for your honest take on it.
First ten spots. We'll confirm within 24 hours of your submission.
Ready to roast someone who really deserves it?
Tell us about them. Takes about eight minutes. We'll have your draft within 48 hours.
Pilot is free. Ten-minute feedback in exchange. Spots go fast.